The first step is to accept yourself.
This is by far the hardest part of coming out because we are often our own harshest critics. You can't skip this step. Find a support group in your neck of the woods or visit a chat forum, like the one on EmptyClosets.com where you'll meet other people tackling the same issues.
If you've done the work to accept yourself as a gay, lesbian or bisexual person, coming out will feel like a celebration of you, wonderful you.
Your attitude and comfort level is the key to a good reaction. Basically, the people who love you want you to be happy. If we don't appear to them to be happy and confident, they will worry and they will blame the thing that's changed recently.
Once you're feeling good, put together a supportive network of friends and people you can trust and rely on during this process. The Trevor Project offers a comprehensive list of local support groups and community centers, if you don't yet have any fabulous LGBT friends.
When you come out to someone, whether it's in person or via a letter, it's important to give them space to have their own reaction. Think about your journey of self-acceptance and how long it took for you, then let your parents, family and friends go through the same process. It does help to share some of your process with them, so they know that you've given this thoughtful consideration and it's not a reaction to watching too much "Modern Family" or "Glee."
Everyone isn't going to hug you and march in a parade with you. It doesn't mean you're a bad person, sibling, father, mother, son or daughter, it means they aren't comfortable…yet. And that's OK, that's them. Divest yourself of responsibility for the feelings of others. Continue to love them the way you always have. Acceptance is a two-way street.
When you tell people, it often works well to frame it as something additional and wonderful you've discovered about yourself, rather than as a secret you've been keeping. It helps people understand that your sexuality adds to and completes the picture of who you are.
Whatever you do, be yourself. People love you for you. The more you share your whole self with them, the more they will love you for it.
Guess what? Unless you tattoo a rainbow flag to your forehead — which I'm not at all recommending — you'll come out over and over again throughout your life. Sometimes, you'll want to sleep on a plane, rather than answer a stranger's questions. That's OK. You won't be kicked out of the club for not telling Nosy Nancy from Nebraska that you're queer.
While the more people who come out, the better things get for all of us, it's still an intensely personal decision that you'll make over and over again. Follow your gut in each situation. You are under no obligation to disclose your sexual orientation to everyone you meet.
Welcome to the LGBT community. Create a profile on dot429 and start connecting with bright, successful LGBT professionals in your area. We wish you all the best on your big gay journey. We'd love to hear your stories, too. Write to us at info@dot429.com or leave a comment below.
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I also highly recommend the site, http://emptyclosets.com/home/pages/welcome.php , especially for those those interested in the process of coming out "as gay or GLBT". It is a great site that gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, questioning, young & straight people can go to, in order to learn more about coming out or about how to discover whether coming out is appropriate -- either for themselves, their friends, relatives or other people they care about.
Love the article!
I never come out to people, but I am "out" in the same way as heterosexuals are. Apart from the statistical likelihood coupled with stereotype preconceptions, how do we figure out someone is heterosexual? Do they sit us down in a quiet place and spill the beans?
Not at all. We can figure it out from conversation, body language etc. Notwithstanding the statistical likelihoods and stereotypes referred to above, and in another sense because of these very things, I believe we can come out simply through the modelling of our behaviour.
When I mention a partner, I leave the gender undefined for a good long time, because I enjoy seeing their reaction when they realise it's a male I am talking about. "My partner and I love dining out." Blah blah blah. "He loves seafood". The penny drops there and then. No coming out speech necessary, to make it any more "special" than when a straight person does exactly the same thing.
I also deliver it in as flat a tone of voice as to suggest that I assumed they already realised I am gay. No furtive glances, shifting from one foot to the other.
I believe contextual confession is the way to go. It's fun, especially if you are someone not easy to pick.
....blah blah blah coming out. Be YOU. Who you F... is nobody's business INCLUDING the LTGB community. This is ONE aspect of who you are. Who you are is defined by ALL that you DO. this battle has been fought and won by those who go about their lives living...live you life and don't allow the LTGB community make you feel like you are less by making you believe that everyone is against you.
I do agree with the first part of the article, as to how we come out to ourselves first; that being the most important part of the process. From there on, the article seems to loose relevance and timeliness for me.
I'm 52 and came out to myself at five and my family at 19. Yes, I said five, for coming out to myself. I spent many lonely years knowing how I felt about men and being unable to express those feeling to anyone else. It was painful to be so alone. I accepted myself, and know the truth, but could not express it to a single person in the world.
As times have changed, it has become clear that political and personal action are two different things. Saying one his gay to someone else casually (other than in the obvious context of romantic interest) only differentiate ourselves from the population as a whole. It achieves nothing positive. Saying one is gay in the realm of politics, is positive and necessary for our survival.
What I mean is that, just going around and saying one is gay, with the exception I noted above, differentiates ourselves, today, in a negative way. Now, should you hear someone make a joke or statement that slurs us as a community or someone who is part of the LGBTQ community individually, that is time for any of us to identify ourselves and make clear that we are everywhere.
I think the constant coming out is correct in political situations, but has become obsolete in day to day discourse. The author needs to get up with the times.